Good-bye Colorado. Minneapolis, here we come. Ten moves. Eight states. Five kids and a dog. You’d think I’d be a pro at this moving gig. But, I’m not.
So, I’ve been thinking:
Girrrrrl, you got a lot going on. Wife, home schooling, kids. And, now moving? Way too much for any one person. You need to give something up. Mmm hmm. . . something’s gotta go.
Since moving’s non-negotiable, blogging’s it. Well, that’s what I’ve been telling myself.
And, I was pretty convincing, too. . . until a few days ago.
That’s when I read a post (an old post) by mega-blogger Glennon Melton. Glennon–“G” for short–is a speaker and author. She writes a blog called Momastery. “G'” forced me look at the real reasons behind this “close up shop” thing. (For the record, I didn’t ask for her help. I don’t even know her). But, she said some stuff in that post that make me think about myself and my motivation. (I hate it when that happens.)
That’s when I realized that deep down inside I was thinking something more like this:
I’m a freaking maniac right now. Who am I kidding? I’m not living this. If these people knew who I really am–what I’m really like– they wouldn’t be so “inspired” by my blog. I’m not smiling like that lady up there in the picture. I’m so NOT qualified to be writing this right now.
I was up all night. I was thinking and peeling back layers and discovering stuff. And, I found something I didn’t like. I’m part chicken. Yep, I’m sure Chicken Little’s bound to be somewhere in my lineage. I don’t really want to stop blogging, but, I realized that I’m afraid. Then I had to answer the follow up question: What am I afraid of?
I’m afraid that you people will find out that I’m a big fat fraud. (“G” came to the same conclusion about her fear.)
I write about depending on God and stuff like that, but since my husband said “moving,” I wake up depending on me. (I do that without any excuse at all sometimes.)
I write “laugh at yourself,” but there’s not too much I find funny these days. Ask my family.
I write about home schooling three kids all the way to college, but I can’t even spell Minneapolis, which really wasn’t a problem for me until I found out I’d be living there. What’s that going to look like?
And, a loving wife? Yeah, I write about it, but I’m not sunshine and roses when my husband walks through the door after three days on the road. And, I’m not putting much effort into showing him he’s loved and appreciated these days. (I haven’t really written about being a loving wife, but I plan to.) All this stuff is not exactly what I’m “suggesting,” if you know what I mean.
I ought to be writing one of those sensitive, heartfelt sweet posts: How to Help Your Family Glide Through Relocation. Just last week, I wrote about encouragement and hope. This week, I’ve done a complete 180, writing about discouragement and hopelessness. Kind of schizophrenic.
I write about being confident, but, I’m worrying . . . a lot.
Last night when I was freaking out about everything I need to do to get us moved to Minnesota, the “Wife Whisperer” reached over and took my hand. My husband, in very soothing, low tones, reminded me of how we’ve made it through past moves and how we’ll make it through this one. (That’s why I love him.) I took a few deep breaths and looked at his face. Then I felt really bad because I thought of how many times I’ve wanted to slug that face when he’s said, “God has a plan.” (I threw up a quickie prayer of repentance, too.)
Here’s the scariest part: I think some of y’all are genuinely encouraged by this blog.
So all this stuff makes me uber nervous about continuing to write at this crazy time in my life. I feel like a hypocrite. A big fat, schizophrenic, nomadic hypocrite.
So, I reasoned, like “G,” that maybe someone who’s more consistent, more emotionally stable and less hypocritical than I am ought to be doing this. Someone who’s got it way more together than I do, who’s really kind, loving, non-confrontational and all that other stuff on a regular basis. (Maybe someone who can spell Minneapolis?)
Then this comment from a woman I knew in Michigan (3 moves ago) appeared on my blog.
Reading your stuff always makes me miss you. Need someone to be real right now. Life, kids, marriage, cancer all wrapped up together are super hard right now. But, yes, you are right. Wake up everyday and look for the positives. Start out by smiling, and hope you make it till the end of the day with some of it intact. Bulldoze through; the sun is out today, and it is very pretty. Keep being real.
Keep being real. . . (Then I thought about Glennon again.)
I remembered the B-i-b-l-e. About how all through the Bible God does employ the foolish–those who feel unworthy and who screw up (a lot)–to do His bidding. I, too, thought maybe I ought to consider that He might be doing just that with me right now. High-five on that one. I mess up a lot. Maybe, “G” said, He just needs foolish people to keep being obedient, and He’ll keep doing the rest.
So, like Glennon, I decided that’s what I’ll do: I’ll be a link in God’s chain of fools. I’ll keep being real and ask Him to keep showing up and doing His thing. And, hey, He already knew I was a screw up, so I’ll just shut up and keep on blogging.