How do you deal with a procrastinating husband? Do you try to nag him into submission?
You nag and nag. But he doesn’t change.
(When you repeat a complaint or request over and over and over, it’s called nagging.)
You’ve asked him three times this week to take out the trash. But the overflowing bin still sits in the same place, stinking up the kitchen.
The more you ask, the more he resists.
Complainer vs. Procrastinator
You’re ticked, and it’s game on: The Complainer vs The Procrastinator.
No one’s going to win.
David and Teresa Ferguson in Intimate Encounters* say the “Complainer and the Procrastinator” is a marital game. And marital games are driven by unmet emotional needs.
Say WHAAA?
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Yes, procrastination is a response to something he’s lacking.
He doesn’t lack arms. You just want him to Take. Out. The. Trash.
I get it. But it’s more complicated than that. Instead of telling you how your “demands” or complaints make him feel, he ignores your request. He might not be aware he’s doing it.
Early in my marriage, I used relationship-repelling patterns of behavior. Instead of telling my husband what I needed, I’d play emotional games to get it. Sometimes I wasn’t even aware of it.
So how do you “fix” a procrastinating husband?
Complaining Won’t Change Him
Complaining won’t “fix” him.
He may seem like an uncaring, lazy bum, but he’s responding in the way he’s used to responding when he feels like someone’s bossing him around.
It seems like a simple thing, but he established patterns of relating to people way before he met you. And yours were established before you met him.
Learn about his family
If your husband grew up in a household where excessive complaining or controlling was common, he may not respond well when you complain or make requests he thinks are controlling, whether they’re controlling or not.
You may think his response means he doesn’t care about what you want or he’s ignoring you.
In reality, he may not be responding to you at all. He may be “responding” or mimicking the behavior of his controlling father or complaining mother. He’s using the only method he knows.
Don’t try to psychoanalyze him and pretend you’re his therapist.
That’ll probably make him mad. But when you begin to understand why he responds the way he does, you can make an effort to respond differently instead of getting mad or feeling hurt.
People usually “play” games because that’s all they know. That’s how they’re used to trying to get their needs met.
Marital games are never fun, and there’s never a winner. They only up the ante on negative emotions.
God created us with emotional intimacy needs. He also provides ways to get them met.
Your “lazy” husband might feel unappreciated.
7 Ways to Deal With a Procrastinator Without Losing It
Here are seven ways you can live with a procrastinator without losing your mind:
1. Accept you can’t change him.
2. Decide not to get angry, bitter or nag.
3. When he procrastinates, clarify your request–Honey, will you take care of the trash when you get home today?
4. If he agrees but still doesn’t follow through, gently and lovingly point out it hasn’t been done and give him a timeframe–I can take care of the trash tomorrow if you can’t get to it tonight.
5. If he still doesn’t follow through, then:
- Do it yourself (without bitterness)
- Hire someone, if you can’t do it (without bitterness)
- Let it remain undone, especially if the consequences will affect him
6. If he’s willing to talk, ask him to tell you how your request makes him feel.
7. Ask God to help you both understand your emotional needs and give you a desire to meet them for one another.
Set aside some time to talk about your needs. You may discover learning about his childhood and understanding yours does wonders for your marriage.
How might your emotional needs be affecting your marriage?
*Source: Intimate Encounters by David and Teresa Ferguson.
This is terrible advice. This will constitute nagging to a husband. Women should ask for what they want and choose faith over fear!
I agree, Mary, we should always choose faith over fear. I’m certainly not encouraging nagging. I’m not quite sure how that message came through. Asking for what you want is a great way to approach a situation, but a soft touch is usually more effective than a heavy hand.
Agreed Sheila. Not sure how this translated into nagging. I’m married 14 years now, and have learned when my well-meaning hubby procrastinates, I take care of it myself. Most times, I don’t even ask him. I just do it. For at least the past couple of years, he offers to either help or does it on his own. No nagging, no anger or pouting.
That’s great, Leeanna. It took me a while to learn that lesson. Unfortunately, constant asking or complaining translates to nagging for lots of men. It may not be “nagging,” but it’s important to understand how he receives it. I love your approach with your husband. We can learn a lot from you. Thank you for sharing.
Tell me Sheila, how much honey does the army slather on these days? And somehow the job gets done without all the “nagging.” Have you ever noticed a wife never needs to “nag” a man for him to eat or have sex? Sorry to be so blunt. A lot of men are only “grown up” up boys. I could take your approach, however it’s called “over-compensating” for an adult who is aware of what is needed however chooses this passive aggressive technique to negate the need, not do the task and indirectly gain control.
There is No such word as nagging. This was a nasty word invented by men to shut women down
Hows about the man do a chore or task in first place like an adult. Then the woman would not need to keep asking him.
Again …shame on you…
Thank you …I totally agree.
I agree.. I didn’t get married to a man to be his mother just because he’s a man doesn’t mean he’s not responsible to do what’s needed as well I thought this was supposed to be a partnership not a dictatorship
You guys(Polanski and everyone who responded to her), yep I said it “guys”, are being rediculous. Nagging is very real and if we(women) are being quite honest with ourselves, it is something we do often and well. I have a feeling that most of you need to look in a mirror. If you’re that unhappy in your marriage and unwilling to admit that your husband may not be the only one who needs to change than maybe you have no business being married. All you can control is yourself and how you present yourself to those around you. Anytime spent trying to change someone or bend them to your will is time wasted, for both parties. Point being… Stop NAGGING and complaining, make a choice to make a change and present yourself differently. You catch more flies with honey(a saying I’ve never quite thought made the most sense because flies literally eat poop and decay but you know what I’m getting at). If that doesn’t change anything than you have another decision to make. But you cannot change him. Everybody has there stuff that makes them less than pleasant…try focusing on the good stuff. And one more thing…what is Shameful is not this advice on the page Lyn, but that fact that you are all looking for a way to change or fix your husband’s to make them more to your liking instead of doing what anyone should do and all they can do, look within. At the first sign of this advice(good advice I might add) not being a man bashing bunch of bull**** you guys whip out your hater spray and go to town. If it’s not to your liking look somewhere else, although I have a feeling you landed right where God intended. Before you get angry about what I’m saying…let it sink in and whether your willing to admit it or not you will find truth in it.
Typical. Another article telling the woman she must change and how etc etc. So your giving women even more work to do. Shame on you.
When we start seeing articles telling these lazy husbands they need to change, only then we will see equality in the home…
Very shameful!
People’s views of equality are so backwards all of the sudden. If my husband gets more food on his plate than me at dinner, that isn’t inequality that just means he needs more food than me. God made man and woman very and beautifully different. We need different things and not for everything to be equal. And I quote, “When we start seeing articles telling these lazy husbands they need to change, only then we will see equality in the home…” doesn’t sound like equality to me, it sounds like you just want to and here’s that word again nag and complain about men, which has honestly become way to common and accepted these days. Don’t any of you have son’s? Imagine their life as an married adult, would you want them to have a wife like you? Truly?
the heck?
are you like 60+ because nowadays women work outside of the house AND in the house. Men still only work outside of the house, hardly lift a finger to help around the house, and many don’t do much more than hold the child and pass it to you when its crying.
Obviously this isn’t all men, but if you think women are deserving of bearing a huge burden of emotional stress, changing herself to accommodate his bad behavior, and then try to pretend like that’s not F*d up… you are brainwashed and I pity you.
I am 36, I got married to my husband 2 years ago and THANK GOD I waited for a guy worth my time. All those other men I dated and was pressured to settle with. most of them were emotionally manipulative and lazy.
My husband thankfully is just lazy. It’s an issue, he knows it, but he persists in procrastination in things I cannot do for us, we both have to do. It’s incredibly frustrating when you wait and wait and wait and nothing ever changes. Even if I did change my life to accommodate this terrible behavior, it wouldn’t fix or alleviate anything. It would just further drive a wedge between us over something trivial and I would slowly become bitter towards him as the tasks, promises, and avoidance’s pile up.
Amen Asha. YOU are preaching to the logical, sane choir.
I can’t stand my husband’s laziness either. It drives me nuts.
But, Jesus didn’t die for us and show us mercy when we were already perfect. He loved us when we were unlovable, imperfect and unclean. He gave of himself when we didn’t give of ourselves. And THAT alone is what changed us. Humility, love and sacrifice DESPITE what people “deserve” are important elements in reflecting God’s image.
Shouldn’t we have a little mercy toward the imperfections of others? Or have we gotten too prideful that we can’t see that anymore?
Our husbands are going to drive us nuts until the day we die. We can either learn to compromise and grow through those challenges …or shrink and harden our hearts. We have the free will to choose. Pick your battle.
I say start of fund. Based on a couple of things:
Put a request in once.
One polite reminder.
Charge him. If he can’t cherish his wife then he can treat her like hired help, he can pay her. You won’t be bitter, you won’t nag and the problem will be solved. But, for future reference, a lazy man needs to grow up someday. WWJD…well if He was a procrastinator we would all go to hell, cause He would have never gotten the job done.
Just do the job or eat dingleberries.
“Do it yourself without bitterness.”
Really? Are you kidding me?
If I have to do everything myself then this really isn’t much of a marriage or partnership is it?!
How come whenever he asks me to do something, I do it. Period. I do it because I respect him. He asked, I do it. It’s that simple.
Why is it that he’s allowed to call it procrastination? Where’s the respect in that? THAT “reason” is just a cop out.
Plain and simple.
The trash is over flowing, I say “please take out the trash.” He should love & respect me enough to do because I asked him to as I would do for him. Not act like a baby because he feels “bossed” around. My God grow up & get over it! There’s always someone in our world telling us what to do! The police, our employer, the judge, etc.
Get over it! It’s called life! It’s called being an adult!
I understand how you feel, Mary. It can be aggravating and frustrating when your husband procrastinates. I write from my own experiences. After 34 years of marriage, I’ve found some tactics are more effective than others. Sometimes in marriage, we have to do more than our share. That’s part of it. I wish it was as simple as “he should love and respect me enough to do it.” Ultimately, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Give this technique a try and let me know how it goes.
Hi,
What if what he is procrastinating on is launching a business. I can’t do it for him, though I have offered to help. It’s been two years…..It’s always, ‘it will launch in a couple of months.’ Then he doesn’t do anything sometimes for months. I’ve tried every. single. tactic. This business has cost us a huge chunk of money. He doesn’t otherwise work, we are older and it’s all we have. This business has huge potential and at the very least will take care of us for our retirement. Everything is riding on it and it’s almost done. But he just can’t finish it and I’m scared. And I can’t do it for him. What then?
Procrastination can be frustrating, Linda. Have you considered suggesting he talk his plan over with friend to break it down into smaller steps? Sometimes when a project seems so big, it’s hard for some people to get started. Breaking it down into bite-sized pieces can help. It’s the old adage–How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
I agree ???? percent with you. I have asked for simple things to be done around the house. Take out the trash, pick up your clothes instead of leaving them on the floor after I have cleaned, put your dish in the dishwasher and don’t leave it in the sink. I ask nicely for months and months. Now I do it all myself and THAT is not a partnership. When he needs something done it’s done. I don’t get the same in return. Why should we just settle for that. I don’t see God in that at all.
Michelle,
I understand your frustration. We all want to feel valued. I know it doesn’t feel fair. I don’t see your situation as “just settling.” I see God in it. You are behaving in a Christ-like manner towards your husband, even though you may feel he doesn’t deserve it. God is refining you. That is a good thing and a hard one. No one wants to hear that when we are in the middle of a hard time. But you are glorifying God through your actions. If you have children, you are setting an example of love and obedience to Christ for them. I will be praying for your marriage.
Wow, I’ve just stumbled on this post. I’ve had a ‘partner’ of 24 years. We’ve never lived together because of his procrastination. I have struggled, improved several homes and moved on while he’s hovered around the edges. I stopped asking years ago for his help but it didn’t stop him criticising anything I had done.
His procrastination has lead to his house being unsafe to live in. He’s now renting and his house is worth hundreds of thousands less than market value.
Your advise is for women to be a door mat for these men. That’s not marriage or a true partnership.
I have now walked away in silence. I never nagged.
God is the fairy God mother for adults! Thy talk God whenever they want to be irresponsible and do not have an easy solution that involves real effort. It is their ticket to blame someone other than how we have created a world of selfish humans. It is also a way to avoid to grow up so just blame it all n the invisible forces!
You couldn’t have said it better… I feel like I get punched in the gut every time he says he’ll take care of things and then to find out he hasn’t or never planned to. I feel disrespected and lied to.
After 20 years of marriage and gentle nudges we haven’t progressed. We have missed out on important things and events because of his PROCRASTINATION! He says our time tables are not the same. It took him 18 years to decide if he should cut down a trash tree or not. When he finally did , he responded…’I should have done this years ago”. Really?
Jodie,
Procrastination is a hard one. It can be frustrating. You sound like you have incredible patience. I pray you continue to have patience and God would place a spirit of urgency in your husband.
Exactly. This article needs to be burnt. It is so infuriating.
First of all, chores are not “requests”. They are things that need to be done for a household to function.
There is only 24 hours in a day. “Just do it without bitterness” does not work when you are tired to the bone after carrying the unequal burden of maintaining the house day after day.
This is especially unfair to working mothers who have the same amount of stress levels.
Amen Amen Mary:
Another woman who respects herself, her boundaries and her marriage. There is a scene in the movie “Unbroken” when the last 3 are in the boat after all the tragedy they endured and the ONE eats everything and drinks all the water. They have nothing left. That is the metaphor for these men. Selfish. You are to give EVERYTHING UP FOR YOUR BRIDE; THE CHURCH AND PUT HER FIRST. You can’t even take out overpouring trash…really come on now. Geesh. We are ALL called to serve, but men forget to the the crown on the Lord’s head and NOT their own. Please,bye.
Just wanted to add…..Since my husband is a procrastinator, what I do for this. I do NOT wash his clothes, I keep mine separate from his…when its time to eat, he will ask, whats for dinner, I will EAT by myself, I tell him, I will cook something TOMORROW. It drives me absolutely insane, but I DO let the garbage fall over when its full….to the paint, I turn my head away, not look at it. even TRIP over it, but I will NOT TAKE IT OUT! When he asks about anything, I tell him, I will do it tomorrow, of course tomorrow NEVER comes, I will do things for MYSELF…he seems to like the way things are….so, do it YOUR way, I will do things MY WAY. I use to ask him to do things around the house, no more…so, it has came down to, don’t ask me to do ONE THING FOR YOU, do NOT ask ME to do one thing for you….for the funny part, the pantry and freezer is almost empty….we lives quite a ways from fast food restaurants, can’t wait for him to ask whats for dinner in the next few days….I am going to tell him, I have been meaning to go to the grocery store, I will do it next week, again, NEXT WEEKS IS NEVER GOING TO GET HERE……I take care of MYSELF…
Wow. This was shocking. This article… It is as if you started to explain something, but then you stopped. And then you started again.. and stopped.. and then suddenly you listed “7 Ways to Deal With a Procrastinator Without Losing It”… and what I read shocked me. These are steps that should be taken in the first week of said behavior. To actually promote these steps as constructive techniques to deal with the behavior stated is dangerous and encourages toxic behavior within a relationship! And then your final advice was to give it to God?! Your article is All Over the Place!!! It is extremely disjointed. What is your intention here? In no way are you attempting to empower women. Your advice is superficial and weak. This article is full of passive aggressive techniques. You are encouraging women to live a life of quiet desperation. Please, Go Many Steps Further. I was googling the term “task-avoidance” for research, and somehow this blog came up at the top of google. I have no idea how you made it there. This is a dangerous article that lacks depth, compassion, insight and an empowered woman’s perspective in the year 2020. I implore you to do more internal reflection and attempt to rewrite this article. Sheila, You Can Do Better.
Thanks for the feedback. Michelle, I write from a godly woman’s perspective. A godly woman is an empowered woman, no matter the year. My intention is to offer women a different perspective in dealing with procrastinating husbands, not encourage passive-aggressive behavior or “living in desperation.” My final advice is always “give it to God.” Actually that would be my first and most helpful piece of advice. I’d be more than happy to hear your suggestions for dealing with a procrastinating husband. Please shoot me an email!
In my experience, “giving it to God” doesn’t help much when it comes to convincing someone to do what they would rather let someone else do for them. God doesn’t come and do it, either.
But, good luck with that.
I just end up feeling used when I have to keep doing things without his help. Very sick of it ????
Deborah,
I can imagine how frustrated you must feel. Dealing with a procrastinator is not easy. Have you considered speaking with a pastor or therapist to talk about how you feel and possible coping mechanisms?
Just want you to know that I appreciate this advice Sheila and everyone on this page that has posted negatively is just not ready for real change. It’s easy to point the finger at someone else. But it’s always 2 in a marriage, it takes 2 to creat the strife. All anyone can do is control themselves and how they present themselves. I’m sad for all these ladies who think they have no part in the issues of their marriages (which by the anger and hate imitating off their responses is more than just a few chores left undone). I wish for them… the serenity prayer. Thank you Sheila, it’s hard to be the bigger person and choose to treat someone with love and respect even when you don’t think they deserve it.
Thank you, Annette. You are absolutely right. All you can do is control yourself. When each focuses on what they can control–instead of trying to change the other–the marriage tends to work better.
This was not constructive.
I think you are probably frustrated because the author didn’t take the bait and sink to your level. You were very rude and critical of her article without offering any alternatives. Those of us who are married to men like this know that constant requests will indeed just be seen as nagging and ultimatums will make things worse. Women are between a rock and a hard place and the best method sometimes for personal sanity and a successful marriage is to take the higher road and do it yourself or let him realize the repercussions himself vs making demands and turning into mom, which unfortunately makes things worse. Obviously if there is a systematic problem with him not doing his part then counseling may be in order, but for the random task here and there, this could be the best way. I appreciate her godly approach and the suggestions in this article.
Neither is your reply?
Be pissed…alone! Then figure out what it’ll take to make you happy again on your own so your feelings aren’t just based on him. Regain control.
I’m doing this in my marriage and sometimes it means walking away from household chores altogether and going on a hike or taking the kids to do something fun that just feels good. You wanna leave those dirty dishes for two days? Cool, I’ll happily order Uber Eats. Haven’t compiled your tax paperwork for the year? I politely request it by a certain date. If he doesn’t comply, I write an email to our accountant copying him that apologizes to her that we couldn’t get it to her in time and ask the consequences. She explains it and it takes me out of the principal role.
I’m not his boss. He isn’t mine. I do my half and then walk away. When I do extra, he notices more now.
I work hard. All the “being the responsible one” just isn’t realistic for me anymore. I’m holding myself to way too high a standard. I won’t get “good grades” at life. I should chill and let that be the payoff—not an empty trash can. What’s the win?My sons are tweens now so this can work for me. If they were babies, I might not be so willing to back off.
Point is, I prioritize me. I was having panic attacks a few years ago trying to be the perfect mom and wife. Lately it’s been so confusing to my husband for me to just leave a mess/unpaid bills and go to a movie that he tries to straighten up while I’m gone. So bizarre but I’m seeing that he likes to feel like it’s his idea. Who cares? I’m going to get a massage!
I keep my own spending account separate from bills account so I can spend guilt free. Even 10% of your take home goes a long way.
I’ve tried this same approach at work and it’s surprisingly similar. I’m in a family to share my love, support and the talents I can offer. One of my talents isn’t doing everyone else’s job lol. I can love them in their flaws when I’m focusing on making life as great as I can. Sometimes that might mean doing extra work around the house but only when I feel like it’s the right thing to do, not when I’m trying to show someone else how much better I am than them.
What if I can’t do it myself and letting it remain undone will only affect me?
You say to hire someone. The problem I’ve found is that men don’t like other people to do for their wives. Somehow their ego takes a hit and it becomes a problem. If I call to get it done, he doesnt like that someone else (especially if its another man) comes and does it. Then he’s upset with me.
A good example involves my car. It broke down a few days ago. My husband fancies himself a handy man and wants to fix the issue himself. He hasnt done it to this day and I’m without a vehicle unable to drive myself to work and run my errands. Its a huge inconvenience. I’ve tried not to nag him about it. Before we got married it was easy to just call the garage to have it fixed. He seems to feel no one else can do it better than he can and that his way is less expensive. If I go ahead and have someone fix it he’ll be offended. Plus I’ll feel like I went behind his back in a way.
I appreciate your post, but what do I do then?
To shari: I’m sorry for your issue about your car but I noticed in your article you don’t mention if he drives you everywhere? If that’s the case maybe he wants to and keeping car out of service is his way to do this . If it ‘s not and you have to get transportation other ways then I would have a talk and let him know that you need your ride and what can you both do about it . Maybe he’ll work on it with you and you can share the experience;). Hope this is helpful.
I think that you hiring someone else is a necessary outcome if he is not able to get it done for you in a timely fashion. I think you should be upfront about it and ask politely for him to fix the car for you and explain how it is affecting you, if he still doesn’t take care of it after a couple of weeks, I think you just say nicely like before the weekend “honey, I really need my car fixed so that I can get to work, so I’m contacting the repairman on Monday.” That way either he gets it done that weekend or you follow through and call on Monday. Since you gave him ample opportunity and fair warning of your plans, I don’t think you should feel bad.
You contact the garage and tell your husband you didn’t wish to burden him as he was obviously too busy to handle it in the timeframe you needed the car fixed by.
Suggest he attend therapy if his feelings are hurt so he can learn time management techniques to assist him in completing these tasks on time. You cannot be without a vehicle for the sake of his ego.
Horrible advice that needs to be removed from the top search. My husband will not, I repeat will not go to the doctors for his serious medical condition. After two months we had a heart to heart and he opened up with tears. He was afraid. I knew that he was scared. We
So I decided to look up advice from the internet to see what is out there. This whole, “Take the trash out scenario,” is so beyond lame.
Sorry you feel that way, Mya. But, you bring up a good point. Fear can be another reason for procrastination. Hope your husband got help with his health.
Not necessarily. I believe a spouse should be allowed to approach issues needing approached. Pray through it. Oftentimes, if the husband is seeing a wife’s repeatedly request something, and gets mad about it, he needs an attitude adjustment. They just have to work it out. Overall, I do not agree it is terrible advice.
When I “pray through it” God usually shows me where I can change. I find that I get better outcomes when God speaks to me about my heart/attitude and not someone else’s.
Sheila,
From one Godly woman to another. I appreciate you and your article so much. While my flesh absolutely hates most things about this article( mostly because it asks me to give up control and give it to God), my spirit knows where you are coming from and also knows that this is the right answer. I commend you for responding to such angry and critiques with grace and love. I cannot imagine having to read such hate-filled responses (that probably have nothing to do with you and more to do with these women’s own frustrations). You are an inspiration, love! It’s no small task to talk and teach o godly women and submission to women today( especially when the word submission translates to an immediate temper-tantrum from feminist…its mostly because these ladies do not truly understand that submission is called for from both husband and wife). God bless you, beautiful lady! Keep writing, and growing in faith.
Thank you for your encouragement, Theresa. : ) I appreciate it.
Typical. Another article telling the woman she must change and how etc etc. So your giving women even more work to do. Shame on you.
When we start seeing articles telling these lazy husbands they need to change, only then we will see equality in the home…
Asha,
Our mission here is to help wives be the best they can be. We’re not trying to achieve equality in the home because we can only change ourselves. And, I believe nagging does exist. Proverbs 21:9–better to live on a corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
Sheila,
Thank you for writing this article. Your advice isn’t what many women want to hear, but it is sound advice. Harriet Lerner gives similar advice in her book The Dance of Anger. We can’t change others, but we can change the way that we react to others. You gave solutions for how to react when nagging isn’t productive.
It’s annoying to have to do something that our husbands should have done, but I have found that if I do it from a place of love, then my husband grateful and I’m less resentful. I then start to notice the things he does for me. I have started to let some things linger without nagging or doing them myself. This is the best solution when I know that doing things myself will lead to resentment. If he procrastinates on a work project, I don’t give him an “out” by rescheduling plans so that he has extra time to work. He has to live with the consequences, which leads to less procrastination in the future.
Caroline,
You’re welcomed. These are hard words to hear. Sounds like you have found a workable solution.
“Just do it yourself”. Right. I did that for years. It was easier than my constant asking him to do things. After a while, I was doing literally everything while he sat surfing the web. Sorry, I couldn’t manage the “without bitterness” part. We’re divorced.
I am sorry to hear that, Lynn. Praying for you.
There, you said it Lynn: ‘while he sat surfing the web’…. that’s my situation too. He also has grand plans of home renovations that he’s going to undertake and keeps buying expensive tools in preparation for it…. meanwhile not a single nail has been used. Excuses galore. And calling someone else to complete the work is out of the question.
Where do I go with this pent up bitterness…?
Wow. I found this while looking for a way to deal w this at the workplace. So your ” solution ” is to just do it yourself. You expect the woman to have this ” godly” approach, and let the man off the hook. Nothing like being a servant rather than a partner. Both work 40 hrs a week but only one is expected to attend to the additional adult responsibilities of the household chores? If its ” better to live on the roof…”, by all means, he should get up there and fix that leak while he is pouting.
Hello, thank you for this article. Dealing with a procrastinating husband is very difficult. To be very honest, if my response to the situation or my husband isn’t the proper one, my flesh can get the best of me. Please pray for me. I murmur under my breath a lot. I pray a lot. It’s a struggle. I can call this severe procrastination because it’s as if things are being totally ignored. There is a psychological component to this as well as a self-esteem component. The only way to win is God’s way. I refuse to allow the enemy to steal my joy, peace, and sanity! I give it to God!
Good for you, Mia! The only way to win IS God’s way.
Procrastination is a number one passive-aggressive technique, which is a form of emotional abuse. It’s very abusive to not keep promises, deadlines, and commitments after giving your word you would do so. Many PA’s will smile and say yes, and even nod in agreement, all the while covertly undermining progress, procrastinating, stonewalling, and refusing to do what is requested of them. It’s a form of hidden anger that shouldn’t be tolerated. A person using PA techniques and procrastination should seek therapy to change their behavior as it will impact negatively on their close relationships.
Thank you for your post. My husband works my last nerve with being the biggest “procrastinator” but I’ve learned to do things on my own. I feel empowered doing those things again because before him I was handling everything on my own. I will say in my moments when I feel I am becoming frustrated I was say this bible verse.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
So I say the small things aren’t worth getting upset over. I understand coming from a Christian perspective and a God fearing woman.
Tanisha,
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure it will encourage others.
This is bs advice just hope he will do what you’ve asked him repeatedly. it’s not belittling to do your part in the relationship, I hate how some ppl wanna justify someone’s attitude about doing one simple thing for your partner as a huge complicated issue that stems from a long list of bs leaving the blame on these ppl parents smh sorry. He’s a lazy jerk and whoever takes the trash out n his ill conceived mind loses, Is how he sees it…. Crazy
I need prayer. I ask my husband to do stuff all the time and he procrastinates. Like I asked him to take the trashcans back to the house. They stayed at the end of driveway for almost a week. Finally I did it…. I asked him to put together a crib for our baby. He waited a couple days and I just suggested that my brother in law help and my husband flew off the handle calling me disrespectful. I honestly just wanted it done.. I’m asking the Lord to give me strength and help me to do some of these things without offending him. I’m a stay at home mom and it’s so hard without help or just waiting for things to be done that I know will never get done. I don’t want to nag or complain, but it’s so hard when all you see are tons of half projects sitting around the house…
Praying for you, Veronica. That’s a tough spot. You are gracious for not wanting to offend him. Have you considered talking to a pastor or therapist to try to get at the underlying issue?
I often end up doing things myself and being fed up because I have to do so much. Quite frankly, sometimes you just have to hire someone in to help. Sometimes if I explain we need someone to do x, he is ok with it. Sometimes he still wants to do it himself or is resistant but I’m afraid if he hasn’t done it himself by a certain time and I have given him the opportunity, then if he is upset or angry when 8 go ahead – really, thats not my problem. The solution was in his hands. He could have done it himself. If he doesn’t, then he just has to be angry and deal with that. What he cannot do is simply expect me to never do anything either to avoid making him angry – that would be enabling him and giving in to manipulation. And what I need, and what our family needs, is important. God says we need to love others as we love ourselves, which to me translates I to self-respect – and self-respect means standing up for my family’s needs and not allowing a destructive behaviour to get in the way.
Louise,
I can hear the frustration in your comments. It sounds like you are trying to balance respecting your husband with the needs of your family. The needs of your family and you are important. Your approach sounds like it is effective–you’re getting things done with minimal conflict.
I have found that it is better not to ask; therefore, you aren’t setting yourself up for disappointment.
No nagging doesn’t help. Asking really doesn’t either especially if they say they will do something but constantly don’t.
I have found that when my husband is really procrastinating, he usually is unsure about how to do it.
Once, he wasn’t sure how to fix my car, so he drove me to work for two months. I got tired of the arrangement. It wasn’t working for our family, so I told him to start on it, or I would take it to the shop the following week. He took two weeks off and replaced the short block (whatever that is.)
I found out from him years later that it was his uncertainty about how to fix it and that he had talked me into that car in the first place, which left him feeling guilty and useless.
Forward to now 20 years later…We had to make a choice between hiring someone to paint the outside of the house or the kitchen cabinets. My husband has painted the outside of the house before (with my help.) He has never painted the cabinets. He chose to do the cabinets.
We started the beginning of July, and it is now October. I have lived without a functioning kitchen all this time. I haven’t nagged because I knew that he was feeling uncertain about how to proceed, so I had to go ahead and start it myself. He took over, but every weekend, he says something keeps coming up. I mentioned hiring the people who painted outside, but he doesn’t want to. In the meantime, I am extremely depressed. I can never find anything in our kitchen.
Initially, I knew this was a bad idea, but I didn’t speak up, but I have learned something about myself and our relationship.
I need to quit wanting things to look too nice (he really doesn’t care about any of that,) and just throw more things out. I should be able to find things in my kitchen even if there are doors and drawers missing. I have too many things and too high of expectations of him.
Get rid of things and live a lot more simply. I can’t take all this crap with me when I die anyhow. We don’t entertain, so no one is going to see the house. Keep it simple. Keep it clean. Go find a life outside of this house.
I’m going to have to disagree with you this is not of God and if you believe a man can disrespect a woman in this nature or in this way is God then I guess you can live in your misery cuz most women nowadays walk away or they stay in hell then their husbands die and then they die soon after oh boy how great of a life that is no thank you
Having been married over 30 years, I can testify that I have been sooo much happier when I have done things the way Sheila described. It has been only as I have submitted myself to God first and then, out of humility before God, sought to respect my husband that things have worked out well. I have had to realize that often my demands are really only to serve my needs most (does the trash truly need to be taken out right now?) and not worked out in coordination with him and his needs. This is a pretty selfish way to live…and God has continued to form my character as well through this process. (not talking about abuse, of course). Thank you, Sheila.
You’re welcomed, Lucy!
Let’s say the “nagging” is done without bitterness or anger but you’ve had to ask several times. (So, we’re taking the negative aspects out of nagging, now it’s just asking and communicating your needs.) That feels like it’s on him at that point, there’s an element of respect that comes with doing what someone has asked you to do. If he’s acting out because of past triggers, that’s on him not the woman. It’s helpful to understand the triggers but that doesn’t mean he’s forever excused from doing the thing we are asking. I do like the tip of hiring help but otherwise this post not helpful. Give men agency, if they are not doing something someone has asked them to do by the third or fourth time, they are just as much at fault for that outcome. And let’s be clear, most of the time this is happening with bigger issues than taking out the trash but I get you need an example.
My best friend’s husband would never mow the yard so she would end up doing it herself..So i told her get the hard working neighbor guy to come over and do it next time and watch how fast he jumps..Well she did and he jumped..”I was just about to mow it if you would of waited a moment!” Yeah right
Isn’t it also biblical that the men are the leaders and set the tone in a marriage and family? I understand that we as women have our part obviously, as we follow Christ with our lives, but men need to be held to the higher standard that they were called to in scripture in the first place. This is a job that church leadership is shirking these days. Most churches don’t even have family counselors in them anymore. Any time a woman is put in a position to fix his behavior, there will breed resentment and break her heart, even if she shoves it down as hard as she tries to ”forgive”. He is responsible for that and he is sinning against his marriage and God. Ongoing sinful behavior will have consequences. They will stand before God. There needs to be stronger ministry toward men and marriage. The Church needs to take a moment to focus less on messages about trying to spread Christianity out in our neighborhoods and world and for a while focus on spreading it in our own family and marriage! After all how can the world take Christianity seriously if we don’t actually have changed lives in our own families?? I think we have a weak church right now because people rely so heavily on being part of a greater entity ”the church” that they tend to drop the importance of each and every one of us having a strong relationship with Christ through transformed hearts and lives. There are just still too many luke warm Christians and that makes the church come off very weak to the world, not to mention having just as bad of marital and family problems as anyone else due to the same behavior as everyone else outside the church.
I want to add that this type of advice in this article, in all honestly is geared toward women who don’t really have that big of a problem in their marriage, that a little bit of an approach change can fix. But I will just bet that a majority of women who came here for advice have a much much bigger problem in their family, with the heart of their husband and the way their husband continually sins against them, in which this may not be sufficient. This can be helpful for minor communication hiccups in a marriage, but probably more than half the church is in a much more dire situation than that that a women’s ministry blog or advise isn’t going to really deal with. I don’t say that to discredit this blog in any way, but to just offer encouragement to those of us who are part of a much more serious problem that there does need to be a push in encouraging church leadership to step up it’s game in ministering to men better and supporting the family because this really isn’t a problem that is to be put on the shoulders of women suffering mistreatment on a deeper level. It’s not your fault. Lets put it back on the shoulders of the men and the church leadership, where it belongs.
Fairly sound advice until you got to the part where you decided to couch the promotion of your personal religious beliefs into your suggestions.